I really like wearing the amethyst pendant that Scott gave me this year for my birthday. As my birthstone, it reminds me that God has created each and everyone of us as a very unique individual. But even though we are unique, He knows us completely. It is so amazing that He knows what I am thinking and feeling.
I have tried very hard to be strong and not worry about Scott’s health, but I have to admit that at times I feel fear gripping me. It sometimes clasps its powerful hand around my throat causing my heart to pound and my muscles to tighten. As I try to squirm away from this monster, I can feel the little purple birthstone slide across my neck. It’s as though God is trying to get my attention, “Hey, stop it! Calm down. I know you’re hurting, but trust in me.”
Psalm 139:1-4 states:
O Lord, you have searched me and You know me.
You know when I sit, and when I rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;You are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue You know it completely, O Lord.
God knows our thoughts and emotions and really does care about our feelings. I am learning to trust Him more but I still battle anxiety. However, I felt a great sense of peace wash over me on April 10th after Scott’s stem cells were put back into his body. It’s the same peace that I felt about a month ago when several of us prayed for his healing. This peace was from God. I confess it’s not something that I am capable of “mustering up.” Scott felt the peace also. I said to him, “You have a new birthstone now for the month of April. It’s a diamond. He just smiled and closed his eyes. His white, fluffy pillows cradled his head like clouds. He was drifting off to dreamland while trusting God to heal his body.
My mother’s favorite scripture is Jesus’ promise to us in John 14:27:
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives.
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
While I am learning more about trusting God, I also wish all of you the peace of Christ.
Do’hi (peace in Cherokee), Carolynn
Carolyn and Scott, Thanks for sharing your blog with me. It seems so good to have some familiar faces in the hallways at University Hospital. It helps me not feel so alone to remind me of all the other families going through similar things or worse. How lucky we are to have these medical miracles available to us! Hopefully many more will come for all the forms of cancer. You have been in my prayers since the SCT class we took in March and will continue to be. Kathy (Bob’s sister)
Comment by Kathy (Bob's sister) — April 13, 2008 @ 6:08 pm
Hey Dr. Carolynn,
Thanks so much for keeping us updated through this tough time. Let Dr. Scott know that I am praying for him (and you of course), and next year he has a whole new bunch of freshmen to whip into shape:) He sure did help me. Thanks again, and keep looking up!
Michaela
Comment by Michaela — April 13, 2008 @ 9:45 pm